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First things first, if you don't know this about me, I've been depending on others throughout my entire life, whether it means depending on them for my happiness, or just clinging onto them 24/7; I would go to the extend of calling my friends at 3am just so I wouldn't feel lonely (shoutout to my pillar of supports, ily!!) I love being around people and be the centre of attention, I enjoy spending all my time and energy with my friends and family. 

Actually this wasn't an issue at that point in life, because I'm a people pleaser and a ball of positivity; one second I can be all serious having a heart to heart talk with you and the next second I can put a smile on your face (even tears, because I'm funny, just kidding pfftt~) Let's just say I love being around people, and people love being around me. My extrovert self enjoyed such companion and attention, I felt like I didn't need to spend time with myself. This eventually became my habit and nature; the loud extroverted pisces who loves spending every second with people. 

// 

Then, everything changed. 

People started leaving; and I started hurting. And that was when it all turned into a downward spiral. I never felt such feelings before. Emptiness and loneliness, both were really foreign to 18 year old wei shan. And damn did it hit me hard; I was feeling my utterly worst, hurting myself and the people around me, isolating myself and my thoughts from people, crying myself to sleep, having the need to take a break from "people" because I needed to cry, but the worst part is, putting on a fake smile to everyone around me. 

And that was truly, the worst I've experienced; acting normal as if I'm not hurting and struggling deep down, prioritising other people's happiness instead of my own mental health. The pain consumed me, and I no longer am the optimistic ball of fluff I used to be. 

I changed, into a person so alien, I couldn't even recognise myself. 

Episodes of depression and self-hatred consumed me for a year almost two; as time passed, I didn't want to express myself to anyone anymore, I didn't want to talk to anyone about my problems anymore, worrying that it would take up too much of their time and put an extra weight on their shoulder. 

With that, I carried the weight of my pain and struggles all by myself, often bottling up my emotions and thoughts, hoping it will go away. And tbh after seeking for my friends and peers for help, I actually preferred handling my personal and mental "problems" by myself as its not easy explaining my "problems", and its even worse for my friends to understand what I am going through. 

I just wanted to be alone. 

Little did I noticed, this battle I struggled so much, was actually an adventure to find myself. An adventure where I would do things that I love, prioritising me and my mental health above pleasing everyone else. I started fighting my battles on my own, I started depending on myself and learning to tell myself "hey, its alright, take your time!", "hey, you're doing great!". "go easy on yourself, you are only human!"

That was what I needed all along; self love and self acceptance.

I needed my own space and time to grow; to be comfortable with being by myself; 

to love myself. 

// 

Now, I can truly mean it when I say, "I love myself". And let me tell you, this feeling is so euphoric, only you yourself can feel and enjoy it. Because it is you who fought through thick and thin, it is you who stood up every time you fell down, it is you who kept your chin up during hardships; and it is you who got exclusive first-class passes to see your own self-grow journey 🌻

Take all the time you need to discover and accept yourself; 

one day, self love will find its way to you 🌻

xoxo, weishan 🌻

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